Uprain: What We Know and How We Know It

When it rains, it never pours anymore. Records indicate that the last full-on thunderstorm was well before the comet. On muggy days — like today — the air is simply wet, a translucent drizzle never thick enough to merit an umbrella. Weather so common that nobody even took notice until someone pointed it out. Then, we all became scientists.

In October, another breakthrough. Dr. Nadim Al-Jally (former professor of economic studies at George Mason University, expertise rendered useless by the modern economy, which obeys no rules except to give the faint impression of intentional, toddler-like recklessness) discovered that the rain was falling both ways. From the sky, business as usual, and also from the earth. This second rain, officially called Terrapluvia but colloquially known as “uprain” or Ghost Rain, is a heavy, mist-like thing that quietly but consistently floats upwards, joining the clouds. Clouds are otherwise the same as ever.

In the typical reaction to major scientific breakthroughs, Dr. Al-Jally was initially called a total crackpot and temporarily prohibited from his already-empty classrooms. But the fast news cycle of the digital age worked in his favor, and a successful grassroots effort cleared his name (though not the air). Textbook diomramas of the water cycle were begrudgingly altered. The CDC tested the new water, and finding no toxins passed the project along to the low-funded and bureaucracy-bogged Department of Environmental Protection, which to-date has not released any further research.

A common theory is that Ghost Rain flows from a rich pocket of groundwater, cracked open by the impact of the comet. Following this thread, many people have begun collecting it in makeshift “Parch Huts,” clean tarps which trap the uprain as condensation and funnel it into a ceramic vessel. The water is then used for drinking, and is said to have health benefits.

Here at New Earth Commune, we employ a farm of Parch Huts and proudly drink 100% Ghost Rain. Our water is tested daily with iodine drops and further purified with volcanic pumice stones. Our happy, hydrated members report that Ghost Rain imbues their waking lives with a sense of vigor, assists in sleep, and even sanitizes unwanted content from dreams. All concede that it tastes faintly of pewter, though no pewter compounds have ever been detected. 

To learn more about geoengineering initiatives and membership options, please visit @NewEarthCommune on Instagram. 

This piece is excerpted with permission from a series of informational brochures produced by the New Earth Commune, which is based outside of Norfolk, Virginia.